I’m fumbling. Reaching out, casting fourth, drawing near, and pushing back. A series of steps among a realization that I just *don’t know*.
Things were learned – finally so. Realizations made. Lessons learned. Truths accepted.
I write this with a purposeful vagueness as I don’t feel I have permission to further elaborate upon it in such quarters.
Yet, I persist, as writing helps me wonder.
What is the right call?
I take two steps in one direction, and four steps the other. I move in one way, and my heart stubbornly goes the other.
It was enough.
This, it is now too much.
But, there was too much confusion.
To which I’ve replaced with an exhausted and uncertain instability.
Is it worth it?
I know now. Clarity I longed sought is finally mine.
But what is it I want?
What is it I need?
Questions that elude me. Ponderings that I sit with, mentally turning and examining, carefully attempting to peel back the answer — as if it’ll come to me if I think hard enough.
I was happy.
I don’t what I am now.
Could I be happy again?
In new ways? In old ways? In right ways?
Oh, to know the right call.