worry – Soundly Sarah

Milestones & Genetics, Motherhood, Respectful Parenting, The magic (in the mess). ♡

She’s got this.

01/21/2021 No Comments

A milestone happened in our house on Tuesday night. M rolled over for the first time! ⁣
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All babies eventually turn over, and milestones are meaningful for every single one of them. I get that. This moment holds something more to me, though.⁣
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O has had gross and fine motor delays for much of his life, starting from when he was very young. PT and OT have been a part of his journey (and mine — there have been many, many, many appointments). On paper, he’s still quite a bit “behind” for his age based on what other kids of a similar age can “typically” do. In time, he’ll get there.⁣
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I have long felt mom guilt over his delays, however. Many a time I have wondered if my well intentioned parenting choices caused them. We didn’t really do tummy time as I didn’t believe in pushing him to be in positions he couldn’t get into himself. I let him be the lead, and I continue to do so to this day. Eventually, we found out he had low muscle tone, and that it was likely the culprit.⁣
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But, despite knowing that, my anxiety doesn’t let me hear it.⁣
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I don’t want that same journey for M. I don’t want those same struggles. So, I keep doing with her all that I hardly did with O… as if in some kind of hail mary attempt to avoid it. But, as hard as I try (and try do I ever), her tolerance for it is achingly minimal. Many a day she makes it happily on her tummy for less minutes that I can count on one hand.⁣
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This, of course, has lead my worries to be convinced we are again on the same trajectory.⁣
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And then on Tuesday she just rolled over out of the blue, as if it was the world telling me to calm the hell down.⁣
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I hear you, world. I hear you.⁣
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She’s got this.⁣
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Happy five months, sweet girl. 💚⁣ ⁣

[Featured], Mental Health, Motherhood, Postpartum, The magic (in the mess). ♡

I promise.

01/12/2021 No Comments

Dear me,⁣
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I’m sitting here on our phone looking back at pictures you took. It’s January, 2016. You have just recently become a mom for the first time, and are six weeks postpartum.⁣
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The majority of the pictures are of the babe your body created. You aren’t in many, and in those that you are, there is a purposeful effort on your behalf for the photo’s focus to be on anything else but you.⁣
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But, I look to you anyways. Your face. Your hair. Your eyes. The layers that tell a story. Faint smiles, tangled curls in sloppy buns, dark circles and sleepy squints, a breast milk stained cardigan on it’s sixth day of wear. The story of a woman trying. Trying and tired, trying and unsure, trying and afraid.⁣
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Ah, all that what would come in those months ahead. The countless hours of colic, the incredibly little, little sleep, the exasperation at the useless futility of everything you tried, the heart pounding anxiety at anything “gone wrong” that would envelope you in a bundle of trauma. The culmination of it all breaking you. Chasms laid wide, intrusive thoughts hungrily consuming the darkness now bare. An unspoken guilt that consumed you, perpetuating and furthering the cycle. Rinse, repeat, remorse and regret.⁣
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It will be okay, I whisper to you. Gently placing my finger on your shoulder on the screen, as if it could be a hug that transcends time and instils in you the hope you didn’t have. You WILL overcome. The colic goes away, eventually. He sleeps, eventually. You get help from doctors, finally. It starts to work. The pieces come together. You find what he needs. You find what you need. Together, you thrive.⁣
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You’re even crazy enough in five years to do it all over again, mental health reckonings and all. But, we figure it out that time sooner. ⁣She actually sleeps. She’s happier. She’s easier.⁣
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Right now, though.⁣
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It feels like you can’t breath.⁣
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I know. I hear you.⁣
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But, you will.⁣
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We will.⁣
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I promise.

Motherhood, Postpartum, The magic (in the mess). ♡

Lost without you.

08/25/2020 No Comments

I am guilty of not publicly saying this or feeling this enough. But, I am incredibly thankful for my husband.

The past seven days have been some of the most trying in our lives (there are a *lot* more details, some unfortunate and messy, to M’s birth story/first few days of her life — ones I didn’t elaborate on in the positive bits I wrote for the announcement/Instagram).

Saying that it’s just been hard would be grossly inadequate at doing justice to the difficulties of those seven days, and what’s to come of them.

Through all of it, however, D has been a bastion of rock solid support, continually going above and beyond, and working tirelessly to hold all of us together. I would have been absolutely lost without him.

Thank you, hunny. 💚⁣ ⁣

Motherhood

It may surprise you.

03/16/2020 No Comments

I was at Walmart the other day, and walking behind a couple who were loudly referring to people who were hoarding (due to the current circumstances) as idiots and a bunch of not so nice, other names. #peopleofwalmart, I know.

I get that the hoarding of food is making this exponentially harder than it needs to be for some people, especially vulnerable people, and that it’s shitty. I am dreading going grocery shopping next for our weekly run, and I don’t even have specific, hard to find needs. For some, it’s going to be frightful.

What I also get, however, is that the act of stocking up on food, toilet paper, etc., it lets those who need it to feel power, and control. Not many are able to find that among the current news cycle right now, or at ALL, and that can be frightening. For some, the one thing that brings them feelings of comfort and security among times like these, is buying, and buying lots, and being absolutely sure that they have enough. And the visible act of being able to see a pantry loaded to the gills with food when it kind of feels like the whole world is shutting down outside? I absolutely get how that could be a calming answer to many worries. Especially if you’re a mom, like I am.

Selfish? Perhaps, but I struggle with throwing that around as a blanket statement. In some cases that have come to be publicized, it likely applies. But, in others, I think there’s more to it than we realize.

We all deal in our own ways. We may not always agree with it, but among the chaos that is now, try employing empathy to see the why instead of exasperation at seeing the what. It may surprise you.

Mental Health, Motherhood

Do not want.

02/19/2020 No Comments

I’ve said this and I’ll say it again, I did not expect the mind fuck of parenting that is worrying about your kid(s).

It’s like this gigantic, all encompassing, slightly obnoxious layer to add to the stress vortext that is life.

You can have this part of the job back, Parenting, my brain hurts